The Reign of the Child

One of this week’s talking points was a private tutor’s attitude towards a pupil. The teacher becomes annoyed at the child’s constant sighing during their individual lesson and says they hate this attitude, will stop the lesson halfway through, take half the fee and tell the child’s mother what happened. The teacher’s tone is very firm and clear.

I think the footage has attracted so much discussion because it brings two different outlooks into conflict. While some argue that the teacher is right and is setting boundaries for the child, others believe that if the child is bored with the lesson, the responsibility lies with the teacher, who has failed to connect with the child and make the lesson enjoyable.

To me, this debate seemed like a small illustration of just how far we have swung. The previous generation was raised with the attitude, “Discipline my child as harshly as you see fit.” Discipline based on strict rules prevailed both at school and at home. Parents who told teachers, “Whatever you say goes,” have now been replaced by parents who say, “Whatever my child says goes.”

Reflecting on this incident, there is just one thing I would like to say to the teacher: when expressing what bothers us and where our boundaries lie, let us choose more positive words rather than the word hate, so that our children can learn from us how to express themselves. At the same time, I respect the teacher’s unwillingness to teach in an environment where they are not treated with sufficient respect, and their clear expression of that decision.

From Parents as Rulers to Parents as Slaves

Our understanding of raising and disciplining children has changed over time. Until the two-thousands, parents had more say in their children’s upbringing. In some families, however, this authority became an approach that left children no room for freedom, prevented them from developing their individuality and even disregarded who they were at their core. “What we say goes,” parents would declare, confusing upbringing with strict discipline. So much so that the relationship between parents and schools was governed by the attitude, “Discipline my child as harshly as you see fit,” and children often had neither a voice nor any rights.

Some of the children raised under that approach have now gone to the opposite extreme when raising their own children, in reaction to the pressure they experienced. They did not want their children to be upset, go without or face hardship. They wanted to give them a freer, more understanding environment. But this time, we have swung to another extreme.

The attitude that “All the rights belong to my child” has come to the fore. Children decide, demand and sometimes even give orders, while parents strive to fulfil their wishes. As one expert put it, even Fatih Sultan Mehmet did not receive as a child the royal treatment that today’s children enjoy.

Nor is this simply a matter of buying children everything they want. Parents even take on tasks their children could do themselves. They feed them, dress them, tie their shoelaces and carry their bags. They constantly step in to make their children’s lives easier, without giving them a chance to take responsibility. Eventually, parents cease to be people who meet their children’s needs and become, in effect, people who run around serving them.

In this way, an approach to parenting centred on gratification is becoming increasingly prominent. This approach, which puts children’s happiness above everything else and regards protecting them from every discomfort and disappointment as a parental duty, can make it harder for children to develop the ability to delay gratification and control their impulses. Character develops not merely through having one’s needs met, but through encountering boundaries, taking responsibility and learning to manage one’s desires. A child accustomed to being kept constantly happy may gradually come to associate happiness with external circumstances and immediate gratification.

We are also beginning to see the effects of this approach to parenting in children’s social relationships. In my view, looking only to a lack of attention or love, or to pressure within the family, to explain the rise in bullying among schoolchildren in recent years gives us an incomplete picture. Children raised to prioritise gratification, who are accustomed to having their wishes come first and struggle to accept boundaries, can also violate other people’s rights and boundaries. It is hardly surprising that a child accustomed to having every wish fulfilled should struggle to tolerate a friend’s wishes, a teacher’s warning or a boundary set for them. Of course, bullying has no single cause; nevertheless, I believe this new approach to parenting is also a factor that deserves consideration.

What Kind of Person Are We Raising?

Parenting is becoming increasingly difficult for those caught between the differing advice of different experts. Parents encounter conflicting views about which qualities they should cultivate in their children and which methods they should use. They are left uncertain about where to set boundaries and how much freedom to allow.

Yet both the qualities of the person we aim to raise and the approach we should follow are clearly set out in the Qur’an and the Sunnah. The aim is to raise someone with Muslim morals and the qualities of a believer; the approach is an upbringing free from coercion but guided by clear boundaries and standards, in which we set an example through our actions as much as through our words.

Hazrat Lokman’s advice to his son offers a fine example of this approach to upbringing. Hazrat Lokman speaks to his son not only about faith, but also about how to relate to other people. He advises him to uphold goodness, be patient, avoid arrogance, refrain from looking down on others, and be measured in his manner of walking and speaking. (Lokman, 31:13-19)

The Qur’an praises those who can control their anger and forgive others: “They overcome their anger and forgive people.” (Âl-i İmrân, 3:134)

Our Prophet likewise describes a strong person not as someone who defeats an opponent in wrestling, but as someone who can control themselves when angry. (Buhârî, Edeb, 76; Müslim, Birr, 107)

In another hadith, he defines a Muslim as someone from whose hands and tongue other people are safe. (Buhârî, Îmân, 4; Müslim, Îmân, 64)

All these verses and hadiths remind us not only of the moral qualities we want to cultivate in our children, but also of our own responsibilities as parents. While expecting patience, compassion, justice and good character from our children, we must first set an example through our own behaviour. Our priority should be to nurture both ourselves and the children we raise as genuine Muslims. For the path to happiness in this world and the hereafter lies in putting these moral principles into practice in our lives.

Şeyma Demircan Namazcı

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